Depression, yo.

It’s been a while.

I’ve been at the lowest emotional point of my life the past several months. I can’t find the will to do anything but work, sleep, breathe. It’s been rough.

While I’m not at one hundred percent, I do feel like I can dip my toes back into the water again. I’ve been going back and forth with what pieces I want to move forward with and what has just gone cold for me. I may come back to Hell’s Gate, but for now working on this story isn’t something I can put my heart into.

I’m going to rant a little, I hope that is ok friends.

For tl;dr just scroll to bottom. *

I try not to get personal with people in most aspects of my life. Even personal life. People do not respond well to depression because it is awkward. I don’t think it’s something that others do on purpose, it’s that by nature others are non-confrontational. With social media people sort of get tired of hearing depressed people whine.

My next few paragraphs are going to piss people off but I feel like this needs to be said. These are my views and what I have witnessed.

I am so tired of reading posts from other people that go into all this personal crap online about how awful their life has been. Every other day is something else, you know the type─ the type that mentions how they wish their life growing up was like everyone else’s and how horrible their situation is and how they’ve been beaten, and grew up with an emotionally (sometimes physically abusive) father, mother, uncle, wtf ever. And they broadcast it all. the. time. Or something is always going wrong.

Speaking from deepest part of my heart, fuck right off. That’s right. I told you to fuck off. The world is tired of hearing your shit. You want to be taken seriously? Live your life. You got social media accounts you post on often? Make, I don’t know─ a fucking positive post from time to time? Stop airing your grievances on anyone and everyone that you can. Post depressing shit when you actually need help. When you really need others to pay attention because you are in a bad place.

We can only sympathize so much. At a certain point we all will start avoiding you and your pity party. And you know what you’ll do? Cry over no one listening to you and that you have no friends. No shit.

Which to get to my next point of frustration: people like you cause other people to not take depression seriously. Or worse, get annoyed by it and file depression under whiny baby.

The absolute worst part about these individuals? They aren’t what you would file into clinically depressed. They may believe themselves depressed but you know what they really are? Sociopaths. Many sociopaths will research on symptoms of depression, go to groups, fabricate lies even they start to believe. They twist everything to seem like it was way worse than it really was. They’re the type that read through symptoms and go, ‘oh my god, I was abused, holy shit I have an abusive spouse, damn, my work place is so toxic.’ No, Karen. YOU are toxic─ Not everyone else around you that existed and disagrees with you from time to time.

Go on any board or help group that involves suicide. Ask suicide helpline workers: Trauma boards, survivor groups, the list goes on. It’s not exclusive to suicide help. These people get off on attention. It’s called playing the victim and it is very real. While some of their symptoms can stem from past trauma and abuse, they use it as a crutch and excuse for everything in their life.

They don’t even realize that is what they are. So they will argue forever, making you feel bad for questioning what they are going through what they’ve been through. How could you, a normie, understand their life? It’s a shitty excuse for everything in their lives. Horrible to their current partner, spouse? They didn’t know any better, they were abused and hurt by so many people in the past so they don’t know ‘how’ to trust anyone anymore. These types especially tend to avoid any definitive answer you confront them over. They also tend to string people along emotionally and make others believe they are crazy for accusing them of doing things. (like cheating.)You start a sentence around them that involves your life? They turn it around to make themselves the center of attention.

Stay with me here, I know I am ranting but it’s not without purpose.

Am I a callous asshole toward the downtrodden? Hell no. I know what real depression looks like. I live it. Do people cope with depression in different ways? Uh. Yeah, I’m not a damn idiot that thinks people react the same fucking way. Are other people reluctant to believe that actual depression exists and don’t take others ailments seriously? Abso-fucking-lutely. Because we are creatures that connect physical injuries to take priority over non visible ones, it’s glossed over in people’s minds as something that isn’t really life threatening.

It’s based off on archaic belief system courtesy of post war attitudes from parents that saw a lot of hardships and didn’t have the luxury of focusing on what wasn’t life threatening. Depression existed, but it wasn’t recognized as something that couldn’t be fixed─ eventually, the person would snap out of it and get better. That generation truly believes that the people suffering can just pull themselves out of the shit they love to roll in and can get better.

Hey, you know what else? Getting to be out in the open about depression and your struggles and so on and so forth─ wonderful, please do that. I encourage you to. If you need help, please reach out because people in your life do care. I’m talking about you realizing that what you are doing is not working and you need help. I would love to help that person in my life.

I’m talking about emotional vampiric assholes. You, you alone can piss off. Grow up.

While I’m not saying everyone is quietly depressed, there just seems to be a strong correlation between the two. By quietly depressed, I mean people that have become experts at hiding all those thoughts, feelings, and actions. A lot of times, you would never know that they even are depressed. Because we don’t want to be seen as burdens. Even we think we are burdens. I choose not to dump things off on others because it’s not their problem how I feel.

Speaking for myself here─ I have gotten to a point that I can accept where I am at emotionally. Mommy issues over here, what what~

But that’s my point. I recognize what’s going on in my upstairs mix up. I realize that seclusion isn’t necessarily bad all the time, but can be if you do it a lot. Which I do, a lot. It is exhausting to exist, let alone have people there to complicate life.

Because of this, I have just about completely withdrawn from every form of social media and people. I have angered more than one person and even had someone unload on me because I hadn’t responded to messages and blocked many people online. I make no excuses, they are right. There is a method to that madness when you are depressed. By angering people, or becoming absent in their life it is easy for them to forget about you. It means if something happens to you, they won’t miss you. One less person in the world to upset. If you think about it from that perspective someone may get upset for a while, but they aren’t going to try forever.

I took a break from, well, everything. I just can’t bring myself to care recently. I have found little to no joy in living day-to-day and busy myself with cooking, gaming, painting, sewing, and writing quietly in the mornings. When I think about reaching out I find myself realizing that ain’t no one got time for my shit.

It’s the same about posting pictures of myself because I have to question why I would post pictures of myself. The obvious conclusion is that I would do that for attention and no other reason. I could air my own grievances (which I have on this blog) but also realize, who cares? Why? If you’re reading my blogs or stories, you’re either bored or occasionally enjoy them. Let’s be honest here, I am not a known author. Rationally, that includes the lack of fucks people give. I can’t push myself to ‘throw myself out there’ on social media and find it exceedingly annoying and stressful to do that.

I quite enjoy the idea of quietly writing my stories without the expectations of the trade. Posting on communities to receive feedback and improving my writing is one thing, but trying so hard to get noticed is just not something that sounds appealing to me. There is no money, only the joys of writing and entertaining others. 🙂 Making money be damned, fuck it─ I accept that there will be no money in what I do.

That’s enough for me.

**tl;dr

I’ve been down, started writing again and will post more things soon.

Many hugs, thanks for listening to my bitch-fest.