Ok, who hasn’t thought of this? I mean, we’ve all had super embarrassing things that we regret doing. And if there are no rules to this, we would try to get super-duper rich. Somehow I think there would probably be rules against this by the time police (overlords?) But let’s get to it─ what would I advise my teenage self to do, hmm.
I mean, seriously. Thinking back to what was going on in my life at the time I wanted to seem normal. I was desperate to be treated normally by other people throughout school but I didn’t know how to act! High school was especially hard. If I had to choose, I think I would go back to the time just after my stepfather had passed away. It was the Summer after my 8th grade year, which is a big year for children in our city. Some cities in DFW 9th grade is still considered middle school, but in ours 9th grade marks the first year in your four year journey to graduation.
It had already been a tough time, my grandmother had passed away not long before that. She was the glue that sort of kept us all together and while I knew my mother was both upset and jealous at how my grandmother treated me as a child, she seemed calmer when we were at my grandparents house. It never hit me until I got older about my mother and grandmother’s tense past. My family would never talk much about it but I know abuse was involved. That was probably what drove my grandmother to treat me so kindly. Perhaps she was making up for what she believed to be her own mistakes in raising her daughter. To say my grandmother was one of two people that treated me as a human being in everyday life would be the understatement of the year.
My mother, unfortunately, continued the cycle of abuse with me. It certainly didn’t help that she had me at barely seventeen years old. I think in many ways she blamed me for being born and it was hard for her to look at me. I looked a lot like my father. It was that or man my face looked turdarific! It was…probably my father’s face, but anyway she saw him in me and I reminded her of her mistakes.
My stepfather was the second person that though he wasn’t my real father, he had raised me from the time I was three─ so he was always dad to me. I think if I had the chance to speak with myself back then I most certainly would have─ kicked my own ass!
I would have told myself to stop letting every little thing get to me and to stop worrying so much about others. Call it mommy issues, call it whatever you will but I never stopped to take care of myself. (I still struggle with this from time to time) I was sensitive to what people were saying about me. I was quiet, especially after both deaths and had no way to relate to other people. I mean, it’s not like you could just relate to Chloe’s frustration over her mom not understanding and being at all her games or performances─ how embarrassing!
…Uhh─ I would have loved my mother to have shown any interest what-so-ever in my life! And I mean, come on, let’s face it no one likes a Debbie Downer. I became an expert deflector when people asked about my childhood. The trick is to ask something about them and they forget they asked you anything in the first place. 😉
I never stood up for myself which only made things worse. Now, I wasn’t a pushover. I did have a certain threshold that if someone crossed they would regret─ but as far as words, I would ignore them. I did not ignore them, however, if it was geared toward someone else. Talk about lighting a fire under my belly. That timid nature flew right out the window when bullying happened. Probably because my mom was a bully. xD
I think the main thing I would want to get across is to stop constantly feeling sorry for myself, lighten up as much as possible, and relate to others in different ways. People wouldn’t have blamed me for my past (judged is an entirely different story) but they would blame me for clinging on to it.
And most importantly, I would say stop being so hard on yourself─ you’re doing your best.
What would you have said to your teenage self?
C.A. Greyson 