Hey guys! It’s been a bit and a long emotional journey but finally I have found a place to live. I am so very lucky to be able and record in my own room which is so foreign to me that I was in shell shock for two days just staring at the beauty. My own room for art, and recording. While I have a long time ahead to be able and replace all of my things, I am grateful that I have been able to replace my microphone.
For those of you left in the dark, I was caught in the floods in Dallas and my home was completely destroyed. I had to live in hotels until this week and finally am able to get back to a normal life.
I’ve been trying to decide when the big day will be that I can finally start releasing more episodes and believe that I can start on either the first or second week of October. Just in time for the spookiness! Needless to say that I am ecstatic for my favorite time of year to begin. While most of my holiday décor was destroyed, I can at least carve pumpkins and maybe string up festive garland. Oh and movies. Lots and lots of creepy movies. This time of year is just the best and I love it!
Of course as most of you know, I’m not one to keep up with social media and I’m a bit of a hermit but I do so love to write and make podcasts for all of you. Know that your dark story mistress is back babyyyy and we’re all about to get our spooky on again.
Once upon a time in a galaxy far far away, yours truly had a podcast. (doesn’t everybody tho?) If you aren’t familiar with my older work, you can check it outhere.I’d like to pick up doing that again and focus on what I love most─ creepy, spooky, and downright sinister stories. In addition to my audio-stories, I’m thinking of doing creature features with folklore, urban legends, and true tales of terror.
Occasionally, you’ll findWebcomics that I post both there and on my blogs. I still haven’t figured out how to change my theme on each one of my pages, but hey, we’ll get there eventually. Don’t get my humor? It’s ok, neither does anybody else. ❤
I help run a company which means I am limited on my time for content but I do try to update as often as I can and hope you enjoy your time here. I mostly write horror, thrillers, and sci-fi. Dark humor is my cup of tea and chances are it’s yours too if you’ve stuck around. 😉
Sometimes, my posts can be touchy-feely and others─ downright Debbie-Downer-Depressing. But that’s why I’ve tried to place those under blog~ I struggle with crippling depression, which apparently so does half the people on the planet. Mine can go anywhere from a week until a year, which is really tough to get through, but I have managed to get myself up and going a little more here recently. I’ve sincerely missed writing and having some sort of online interaction. In any case, I’m glad to be back!
What is it about the supernatural that really draws you in, that gets your blood pumping and chills running down your spine? Maybe it’s the boogey man─ the cold, cool surface of a mirror with a sinister entity waiting for you to close your eyes. Or possibly the killer hiding beneath your bed, waiting patiently outside of your home, or up in the attic watching through the ceiling vents.
Many people to this day believe in ghosts, or demons. Some swear that there are creatures living beyond our realm or in parallel universes. Whatever your personal fear may be, it’s fun to just imagine a world beyond the norm. Even if it does terrify you, there is a small part of your brain that hopes something else exists. Be truthful with yourself for a moment─ isn’t it dull to think that we are are all completely alone?
Since I was a child my family would sit and watch scary movies. My mother especially liked the thought of angels, spirits, aliens, or ghosts. She would talk about seeing what she was convinced were aliens flying in the sky or that alien abductions were real. I can confidently say that it was an interesting childhood if nothing else.
If none of us really liked the fear of the unknown or being scared until we borderline shit our pants, places like haunted houses wouldn’t exist. Know someone that doesn’t like scary movies? That is a fear within itself, knowing that if we watch something like that we wouldn’t be able to sleep at night. So, fear of being afraid─ hmm. Phobophobia, anyone?
The meaning behind fear attached as an emotion didn’t come about until around the 1300’s. In old Englishfæran─ to terrify or frighten, orfær─ sudden danger, peril, or sudden attack. Which is why it makes sense to classify it as an emotion. Several hundred years later (around 620 years to be exact!) American physiologist Walter Cannon found that fear triggers an emotional response in the amygdala, firing a chain of chemical events that readies the body for a fight, or flight response. I never had that theory put to the test on me until the age of ten. My best friend at the time and me were playing outside, going up and down alleys with our bikes. There were an older group of boys well known by the neighborhood kids as the local assholes. (We found it out quickly when a game of hide-and-seek turned into them charging and tackling younger, weaker kids.) Thankfully, they tended to to pick on girls a little less─ albeit the occasional bloody nose or skinned elbows and knees.
One day, we’ll call him Mr. Quackers, Mr. Quackers decided that because I never cried or responded to his bullshit (for whatever reason unknown to me, I was one of the lucky few that only got called names) got a wild hair up his ass to try and attack me. I still have no clue what happened to that kid or why he was so psychotic, but needless to say he was fully committed (bless his heart) to putting the fear of god in me and my friend. Whether it was to scare us, or actually harm us, we’ll never know because my next series of actions even surprised me. His face contorted from a combination of manic glee and anger to confusion as I crouched, squared my shoulders, and charged back toward him. Either I got stupid lucky or he got caught off-balance, but he flipped over my left shoulder and landed hard on his back.
Something snapped, and some might say that my fury grew three times that day.
I’ve always had a protective side─ you mess with me, it’s whatever. Sure, it hurt and at times dug pretty deep, but seeing my friends or someone else getting picked on stirred the beast. I straddled him and went right for the face, throwing as many punches as the other kids allowed. I’m sure they didn’t really hurt that bad (considering I was all of ten years old and he was nearly fourteen) and I’m sure I didn’t know what I was doing or how to punch that well, but the point had been made. I don’t know it if was one of his friends or mine, but a few kids grabbed me roughly by the shoulders and drug me away kicking and screaming. Imagine a very angry bobcat, flurries of hissing, spitting, and yelling as I attempted to claw my way back to my prey.
Even though he had managed to scare me, I learned something about myself that day. Your body just sort of reacts, there is no thought. The strange part was even though I had been afraid, I felt alive afterward. Like that fear and adrenaline left me with a sense of euphoria. I later would learn in high school that phenomenon is endorphins released from the brain to make you feel better. Similar to what chocolate does. That’s where we circle back to that fear-inducing spark that leaves us all feeling like we’ve barely escaped our doom─ and damn, does it feel good. That’s where I think all of this may stem from, the relief of being alive.
But getting back to my earlier point, we enjoy being scared because of that chemical reward. Also? Who doesn’t like to feel like we’re special and some nefarious entity has singled us out.
We all have that one story (or a story that’s been passed on through our family) we can’t explain─ maybe it’s noises in the dark, or lights coming on when they shouldn’t. What was that looking down from the window of the old abandoned Blackwood home? You know the one where everyone died a horrible death. Even if these aren’t something you can relate to, why do we go a little faster down dark hallways or a small spike of panic as we move through the dark to the bathroom? There is no logic to it and we rationalize with ourselves that nothing is there─ but it never actually works, does it?
Because the fact remains that all of us, just a little bit, like to feel that prickly sensation and wonder─ am I really alone?
So, I know my last few blogs have been political and I didn’t want them to all be downers so I thought I would start one off this morning with a little cheer. I can’t believe that Halloween is this Sunday, holy cow how time has flown by! I am more than ashamed that nothing of mine has been updated in quite some time. Finding the will to motivate myself with mountains of work this summer left me depleted. However, the good news is we are starting the slow season for our state which means I get far more time to do this. It feels like stretching after a long rest from head to toe. You know the kind─ where your body tingles and shivers and your toes curl. *sigh*
How is everyone else’s week going? Anyone ready for the coming holidays? I am so confused at myself this year because literally all of my Christmas shopping is completed. Me? Not procrastinating? Wow. Needless to say I am both impressed and excited to lose some of that holiday stress.
So, what makes Halloween special for all of you? I realize it’s not for everyone─ some people view it as a scary or satanic holiday which makes me really sad because it is such a unique and fun holiday! Also, c a n d y. >:3
I remember roaming the streets as a kid, mystified by all of the time and effort people had put into their homes for just one night of the year. Just like many middle class neighborhoods, our neighbors went the extra mile to give us a night to remember. This still happens today and I find that the more upper class areas we visit don’t seem to participate as much─ most houses are dark. Well boo to them!
Even today I find myself loving to get spooked and watching horror movies. I used to go to haunted houses all the time but I’ve grown tired of some of the tired old troupes: zombies, clowns, asylums, mad scientist. There is one that seemed pretty interesting this year at Dark Hour, it’s a witch cult themed. I’m thinking I may have to check that out before the season’s over. What I’ve really been into as-of-late are escape rooms. Even though (bless my heart) I’ve only managed to escape two out of five I’ve played. Granted, it is only me and my kiddo, but we have a total blast. If I’m being honest, we both like to keep it that way. It’s sort of a bonding experience that feels icky with other people in the mix. And of course, being the type of people we are, choose the absolute hardest rooms they have. Oh, but the satisfaction is immense when we solve each puzzle─ even the one’s we have failed we came within five minutes of solving. So frustrating, yet motivating at the same time!
Though my time has been scarce I have managed to write and though I’ve mentioned it like a bajillion times (totally a word. Is it? wait─ hmm.), I feel like I’m at a point that I am comfortable with saying I can release it soon. It’s probably also a good idea to make sure I separate the writing from blogs, as some of my blogs can be ._.zzzz
With that being said, I hope everyone has a great day today and feels like happy, dancing chipmunks whirl across your mind in a sea of glitter, rainbows, and unicorn poo~
It’s a beautiful Monday afternoon, mild in weather and close to one of my all-time favorite holidays. While I try my best to keep a positive state of mind with the season rapidly approaching, I find my mind wandering to darker subjects. In these trying times I think it’s hard for anyone to stay positive, especially with opposition coming in full force from all directions─ people angry with the state of things and looking for anything to blame on others.
This is a rant, and my own personal opinion.
I watched my aunt fume over Biden ‘ruining the country’ and real history being taught at schools. Not just the traditional founding fathers nonsense, but the truth on slavery and wrongdoings as well. Sorry, but that is history and your children need to be taught about why it should never happen again. If you have a problem with truth or get defensive over it, you might want to take a harder look at yourself. Don’t your children deserve the truth? It makes me increasing sad to realize that there is a real disturbing trend of people that are buying into a zealot-level conservativism. They bring it into our business, playgrounds with children soaking all of this up like sponges, in the store, on the t.v., on the internet, brainwashing the elder generation that buys into old conservative ideals. The old conservatives were something else, really trying their best to fight for what was right. Teddy Roosevelt was a prime example of leadership. He got it done. These modern day jokes are nothing more than bullies, corruption galore, heartless business men that are taking advantage of the poor and under-educated. Do I side with any one party? No, I do not. Corruption is absolutely nothing new and all parties have it. Even independents, and green parties─ those claiming to be for the people. While I don’t buy into the Kool-Aid of conspiracy theorists (whom are also usually zealots in their own way, just like far-leftists) there is some merit in mudslinging to distract the public. You keep people fired up, they focus on blaming a mass following of a certain party that fosters hate between the people.
Divide the people, gerrymander, take bribes, treat others like garbage, committhe most heinous sexual acts without repercussions, get out of millions of dollars in taxes, rob people of their rights (especially women and minorities) and have the audacity to try and represent the people and somehow succeed in elections?
Just in the state of Texas alone, there are more regulations on my body and reproduction organs than guns. You can walk into any gun-show and have a wide selection of anything your heart might desire. The background check is a joke and any and all guns don’t have to be registered on your driver’s license. But god forbid a woman have the audacity to make an important life choice for her and an unborn entity. What kind of shit life awaits a child whose parent(s) want nothing to do with it? My mother was a shining example of this and I was reminded of it every. single. day. It made her bitter, spiteful, and apathetic to anything going on in my life. If you think this doesn’t happen all the time, you are terribly wrong.
How quickly would the state change it’s tone if we had massive regulations on the state being responsible for abandoned children and paying for natal care? How about having to assist single parents with schooling, feeding, and clothing that child? While it’s a tired argument, it’s a correct one─ no one wants to pay for a child to be taken care of, they want women to deal with it themselves (aka conservatives little fuck you to women for having sex outside of marriage without a husband and therefore should be punished for it.). No one that is pro-life gives two shits about that child’s life, they are pro-birth. That is backwards to even their core beliefs, you know why? You say that someone should take responsibility for a child─ neat, what if they they can’t afford that or have zero support systems? What argument are you going to come back with? That the woman is responsible for her own problems and should suck it up? Sure, ok. So, she busts her butt and it still isn’t enough for two to survive so she has to apply for aid. But, you say that people that live off of financial aid are lazy and shouldn’t be allowed to take all of your hard earned tax dollars. (which by-the-way, have you ever actually looked into where your tax dollars go? It isn’t to the people. Dallas has had millions of peoples tax dollars mysteriously disappear, or turned into a non-functioning bridge. Go on, look into your own city. It’s pretty depressing.)
So, back to the real issue at hand─ this is all an underhanded bullshit way to corner women into needing men to survive. Let’s just call it what it is, absolute control over women’s bodies and their lives. You know what the solution is? You don’t like your tax dollars used for people to just survive because they chose to keep a child they can’t afford, therefore costing you way more than forcing un-wanted pregnancies─
pay for birth control instead.
But guess what, you won’t and I think you know why you won’t.
It isn’t about helping ‘protect women’ and ‘thinking about women’s lives’ or about ‘having proper support before getting pregnant’, or ‘protecting the child before it’s born’ absolutely not. Many people buy into this, not because they have nefarious intentions but because it is what they were taught. And they honestly believe that it is the right way to be and they are helping others. That is not what any of this is about and you can’t expect someone that was raised on these ideals to know any better. What history has shown is no different thousands of years ago versus today─ no matter the amount of reason you present to someone else, they will dig their heels into the ground and back up their viewpoint. No one wants to seem like a fool or believe that they have bought into some sort of sham or way of life their entire life. It took me years to have an open mind towards other’s thoughts and opinions. It isn’t as though I don’t understand where their heart is, or why they believe that way because I did too once upon a time.
Ladies, men in charge do not have your interests in mind. Because heaps of them are in the stone age and taught based off of a bible that was written by men, for men and altered from original text to fit the European way of life and culture and then adapted to the new Americas and its culture, and then modern white, American men and its culture. White American culture─ based off of a non-white, presumably middle-eastern man, in a completely different culture from our own. What.
Have any of you been to a southern Baptist, or Pentecostal church? Ridiculous. Women have to wear skirts, they can’t cut their hair, they can’t wear makeup, many believe they have to give birth until they physically and mentally can’t give birth anymore. No low neckline shirts, no tight clothing, no shirt sleeves above the elbow, no gender-neutral clothing including pants, must remain ‘pure’ for their husbands.
Men’s rules: no hair below their ears, or touching their collars. Hmm.
While all religion in many cultures harp on abstinence on both sides, it is more loosely enforced on men and extremely strict on women.
The biggest insult is how women are viewed. It’s about men making sure that women ‘stay pure’ for men. It is about massive amounts of misunderstanding on how the female body works. This horrible incorrect nonsense is taught to our children, shaming their natural instincts instead of building them up and preparing them for the real world. Sexual education is a joke here. The only education is to not have sex, the end. But, it goes deeper than that. Women are even taught in front of boys that if they have sex before marriage your husband gets the raw end of the deal with a busted vagina. Nothing there about protection, or safety, or taking care of your body, or birth control─ Ladies, your hoo-ha is men’s property and you’re ruining it.
So instead it’s about letting the ‘boys be boys’ and sleep around but women are to stay virtuous. You little shits in no way shape or form care about women, you care about us not being spoiled goods like some sort of human garbage you can pile your shit on until we sit quietly at the bottom of it, losing our voice and only obeying you.
With all my heart and without remorse, screw you.
Control is all you are after disguised as care. The worst part? You know others truly believe in something you don’t and are manipulating them and using them for political advantage and power to the fullest extent. And we support them.
So, much to my protest, every second I’ve wanted to spend writing has been consumed by company time. Not that I am complaining, because busy is good─ it means I keep having a roof over my head and food on the table. But being ready to get back to writing and not able to has been a bit…frustrating to say the least. In any case, this is me saying yes, I am working on my next piece and yes, it will be posted. I’m really, really hoping that I can upload this coming weekend. The ending of The Watchmen – Part X – A Horror Novella is on my agenda as well, so don’t you worry─ it is coming. 😉
This is me, giving a public service announcement that yes, your girl is going to finish and write asap. Hopefully you guys are all set to blow things u─ I mean, spend time with family and definitely using fireworks in a safe manner. >:3
I plan on stuffing my face with all the things and watching fireworks. You guys da best, many hugs from me.
I have grown to realize that while self worth is only something that you can give to yourself─ something that I have worked for years to accomplish─ it is only a value you place on yourself. When you become self-aware it is a form of maturity to realize that you are not needed. It can sting, but it is a truth to accept.
Delusion is there for others to find purpose and feel as if they belong. I have been aware that I don’t belong. Not one of those dumb ‘not of this world’ religious shite but that I shouldn’t be here.
In my younger years I had bought into feeling worthy and that I had purpose. Really it is something most people need to exist, without sense or purpose it becomes exceedingly difficult to rationalize existing.
I find bitterness in my heart from time to time toward my parents for having me. My mother had me young (17) and while there were occasionally good times, it was no secret between us that I was a burden and strain on her life. If I’m being blunt, my mother flat out felt I had ruined it.
While writing about it can be a form of catharsis, this too is me being selfish and vain to place my thoughts online. There is no one, or nothing that will need me with passing time. You really start to realize it more and more with age.
While coming to the realization of self worth and actual people’s want or desire to have me near─ you begin to understand that there is a freedom in letting go of worrying about them not wanting you. While it hurts on a level beyond words at times, it has also brought me to a sense of peace knowing that my absence will go unnoticed.
Of course it is my desire to hear others say they want me in their life and need me is a fantasy that more than likely exists because of my upbringing. (after all, I am only human) It is a deep seated and selfish expectation of others to validate my existence.
Often there are moments I can see how little I know. My curiosities are insatiable and often quite annoying to others. I really am a stupid creature. Curiosity does not a smart man make. (ha!) I could read and learn my entire life and still know nothing. I get so frustrated with myself because my family’s words have come true because of my inability to accomplish anything. I have not made a change or impact. I have helped no one─ not even myself. I have failed myself and others.
With every waking moment and breath I draw, I continue to place a burden on others. I think at times ‘a waste of space’ accurately describes me.
My loved ones shouldn’t have that sort of problem in their life. Especially on days that I feel sorry to exist─ even I hate my demeanor on these days.
Don’t Put The Pussy On a Pedestal
In my twenties I remember thinking that many others found me attractive. At the same time, I believed that I wasn’t. By putting yourself down to others, even if you believe it, it is a way to fish for compliments. It is something I cringe thinking about and extremely pathetic of me.
I enjoy hearing it but realize that it is silly. I suppose it is something that doesn’t come often as you age and unlike my past self, I now immediately acknowledge that people are just friendly. It’s a stupid arrogance of youth that I believed I was sexy and so many people found me attractive.
While this may sound suspiciously like fishing, it’s to get a point across to myself and others. I realize that I am not revolting, I have eyes and a grip on reality. A ‘scale’ of beauty isn’t the deciding factor for those that we find attractive. There are many qualifiers to it, it isn’t a magic formula that makes everyone desirable. Sure, we can all agree on conventional beauty, and beauty standards but everyone has that sort of Je ne sais quoi that makes them who we fall for.
My past self was cringeworthy.
I had not heard the phrase ‘don’t put the pussy on a pedestal’ until my late twenties. It basically means, don’t idealize women and treat them different or special because they have lady bits. I believe that men tried to pursue me in my younger years because of my quiet and aloof nature. I wasn’t looking for a relationship, I didn’t want it.
My Body Is Not A Wonderland
When I look at myself in a well lit room in a full length mirror, it is a sobering and shocking discovery. It has been scarred with years of abuse from me being overweight and then losing a ton of weight. My skin hangs and I can see it bunch and wrinkle while it droops down like a sacks of curdled milk. I want to cry seeing my stomach hang sickeningly as I plank or do pushups. My breasts are small, scarred and droop. My face is plain, my eyes are a murky greenish brown like olives. There is nothing of particular interest in my physique and my hips are a bit too wide. My hair spills down in coarse waves, it is a mousy sort of brown. My skin is sallow, splotched with moles and freckles. Cellulite ripples down the backs of my legs─ legs covered in broken veins, bruises, and scars. My chest is beginning to spot and become less firm like my neck. All my wrinkles build as the years pass.
Tales of hardships at the work place as old as humans have flipping existed. Then there are the obvious challenges that most of us know we are working on as a society. Well, at least some of us are.
Some of us are self-absorbed or worse─ oblivious shits.
Fast forward to the industry that I work in. Think of it like an auto parts store combined with diagnostics (tech support), and a tire replacement/oil change all in one except we handle HVAC units. (heating, ventilation, and air conditioning) We mostly handle residential customers and some contractors. (handy-men, remodelers, installers, etc.) The most common question I get in-store is how I got into the industry. I have worked in the tech industry for years, how things work have fascinated me forever! I once took apart a gaming console and controllers to see how it worked.
I was…in a lot of trouble for that one.
Mom be like
While I loved my job and what I did, the industry changed a lot. Contracted help was commonplace and then suddenly if you weren’t certified, if you didn’t take expensive courses and get more certifications, then you were replaced. As soon as I was made aware that after a certain date we weren’t able to move up in the industry unless we did all of these things─ you better believe my ass dove in and took every training course, learned about cloud based systems, DNS, Azure, anything I could to ensure my future there.
Then, six weeks later I’m in the running to move over to the other side, the one our team dreamed of. I was running a small team of my own at this point, doing weekly presentations, and trying my hardest to make an example of my performance so they could see that I practiced what I preached. I surprised myself with how into it I really was. I got my certs, and my in-house certs I needed to move over and work on the path to being a network engineer.
Less than a month later (by the way, several others were in the same position as me) they announced that contract workers cannot move over to become network engineers. I spoke with the department head and asked how we could become one. Well, guess what─ I would have to quit my job and apply again in six months. I get the security thing in the tech field, but couldn’t it have all been avoided by me keeping the position that I earned? But that’s just it, it’s how that industry is run.
Let’s also not forget that just in the campus I worked in, female to male ratio was extremely low. Unless you worked on the social media team or tier one tech support. The social media side was flooded with ladies. I didn’t want to do that, I wanted to challenge myself and learn everything. After some thought, I decided to quit and pursue other things.
(I’m glossing over a few jobs here and there for the sake of the reader)
My boyfriend has worked in HVAC since he was in diapers. He had recently fired an employee and was running the business by himself. I’d be making even a little less a year, and knew nothing about the industry but it was something new and interesting to learn. I studied, listened and learned the inner workings of HVAC systems for the next two years (still on-going). It is a blast getting to problem solve and help people install parts on their units. Managing and running the front end can present challenges but I wouldn’t trade it for anything.
The best part? Getting to put motors together in the store and watching people’s faces as we set them up to just plug back in to their unit. It is so satisfying on many levels to help people that just can’t afford to hire a technician or enjoy learning like myself. I get to troubleshoot over the phone and walk people through isolating the problem.
For the most part, many of the guys that walk in the store are grateful and courteous. Some are curious, not meaning to sound like an ass at my choice of work but say funny and sometimes awkward things. Those guys are awesome and make my day when I get to help them do it themselves.
Then there’s the type that just drive me up the wall. I get at least two to three phone calls a day that ask for a technician or to speak to a guy that can help them. I’m usually polite and explain that I can help them and to go ahead and tell me their issue. Some sound surprised but explain, others get quiet and slightly gruff, and then my absolute favorite─ the one’s that try to explain what they are talking about to me. I’m not talking about their issue alone. I’m talking about them stopping and asking, “you know, the condensing unit outside for an AC unit. It’s part of the air conditioning. Do you know what I’m talking about?”
My inner smart ass wants to say, “An AC unit? What is that?”
But I take a breath and start asking diagnostic questions. There’s a reason why I ask them. They get irritated when I ask if both of their units are coming on, indoor and outdoor. I usually get, “no, no, it’s my outdoor that I’m talking about, you know─ the one outside the house.”
I explain that I need to know if both are on so that I can see if you have a busted transformer, which controls both units. I need to know if the flipping thermostat is working. It’s an entire system working together, it doesn’t just magically send ac into your house and blow directly from outside…that is why it is called a condensing unit. It condenses, goes through a high pressure line to go from a liquid to a gas, blows over your evaporator coils and blown into your home from your indoor unit blower.
While I could bore you all to tears with the knowledge I know, the point is─ I have to explain myself constantly. Granted, no homeowner is going to know many things so I understand walking them through. I expect having to break it down in a way that someone could understand. But others become hostile and downright rude. There are two gentlemen that come in from time to time and refuse to talk to me. “I’d like to talk with the gentleman from last time,” to which I respond, “I’m afraid that he is busy right now, I can help you. What is the issue?” They both always respond, “I can wait until he is done.” While this is something I could understand if it were complicated issues or something only he knows about, but it often isn’t.
It is so frustrating having guys reach across the counter when I am testing motors, checking fan blades, and looking wires over. They grab lids and pull them as I am trying to gain leverage by pulling it toward myself and walk the fan blade off of the motor. Even worse, when I have 240 volts OF ELECTRICITY LIVE as I test the motor. If the motor shorts and they are holding it, that’s going to be a nasty jolt.
Every couple of minutes I get asked, “do you need help?” No. No I don’t and if I did, I would ask my co-worker because you have no idea what it is I need help with. I get told to ‘put some oil on it and it will be easier to get off.’ Yeah…you put oil on rust and then move that motor across years of rust. See what that does for you.
I was on the phone with a gentleman just last week that literally talked over me as I was asking him questions─ got angry when I asked him to text us a picture and when I only got one picture he kept repeating himself that he had sent four and that I could easily see the label of the motor. As I explained that we only received one photo and it was blurry, he again cut me off and told me that he sent four and that he could see it fine in his pictures. When he had told me earlier that he had a Carrier unit, I had asked him if he saw a part number that started with an H.
He had said no. So now, after twenty minutes of talking with this guy, he magically sees a part number starting with H and gives it to me. I cross the part number without a problem and explain the price and availability to him. It all could have been avoided if he would have just listened to me the first time and gotten the model number off the back of the unit instead of taking blurry photos of his motor. It literally allows me to login to their website, look up the correct part, and any supersedes or kits he may need to install his new motor.
I had one homeowner tell me his technician told him to get a motor that was the wrong rpm and physical size. When I asked the homeowner if he knew the capacitor size, or had the model number he said no and he would call the technician so I could talk to him. The phone rings, the guy answers. I proceed to ask him if he knew what capacitor the motor and compressor took, he states over the phone, angrily, “no, no, no, you are not listening, it is the capacitor the one for the outside unit. He needs a 1/4 horsepower motor, 1075 rpm, that is all he needs.” I calmly start explaining that I needed to know what the old motor took because it could blow out his new motor if it was wrong. Not even to the end of my sentence he cuts me off again, “no─ you are not listening to what I am saying. It is the one for the outside─” I cut him off, very irritated at this point. “No, you are not listening. I know what a condensing unit is, I know what a capacitor is, I know that he needs a motor. I need to know what the old motor took so I know if he needs a new capacitor. I need to know what his label says on his motor, and I need his model number. So take a picture of that and send it to me. I will not sell you a motor until you do that.”
The homeowner immediately starts to apologize (very sweet guy, and caught in the middle of an awkward situation.) and tells the man he will go get a picture and send it to me.
The next day, I get the model number, get him the correct motor and he is on his way to comfort again. He mentions that he got a new tech to help him after realizing the other guy didn’t know what he was doing.
It isn’t the questioning that gets to me. The guys at the office are questioned too. There will always be a jerk that won’t listen no matter your gender. (don’t even get me started on engineers and youtube ‘experts’) But it is unacceptable that I have to not only repeat myself, not only take several moments of my time to help diagnose or troubleshoot, but watch as one of my male co-workers get asked the same questions and once they are answered by them the guy goes, “oh, ok I see that makes sense. Man, you are really smart I appreciate it.”
Most of the time I can brush it off. But there are days that it really hurts when I put motors together, or answer questions and if one of the guys behind the counter talk to them, they thank the guy, take the motor and walk out.
They will tell me the wrong thing when I ask questions or omit things they have done. I repeatedly ask and enforce my questions to follow up and make sure what they are telling me is correct. Often people don’t check voltage correctly, or don’t realize the steps you need to take to diagnose an issue.
I shit you not, they will tell me something and then when the guys walk over they will tell them something else. The guys would give me shit over this and tell me I just misunderstood or the homeowner didn’t understand the question. Until they caught a couple of guys doing it.
I’ve learned when and how to speak firmly─ if you don’t speak with confidence, or you backpedal people sense that. And they 100% will try and test you. I had a guy throwing around a bunch of jargon he heard on youtube and asked me muddled questions that made zero sense. When this happens, I’ve learned to ask them to explain what they have done. People tend to gloss over the important details and offer that ‘they already reset the power, they already checked voltage, they already jumped such and such wires together.’ I have to get them to go back to the original issue and explain what voltage they got, where they checked the voltage, etc.
I know when to pick my battles. If a man is having nothing to do with what I say, or is not listening I do one of two things─ go and get one of the guys from the back (usually when it is something I am unclear over) or I politely ask them to leave the store. They have no business treating me that way, or anyone for that matter.
While it can be tough, I enjoy the challenge to learn more and study how things work. It’s a daily battle but I wouldn’t trade it for the world. Running a business is a challenge within itself let alone a business that is considered a ‘man’s man’ job. I plan on taking it one day at a time and shake them haters off.
I’ve been at the lowest emotional point of my life the past several months. I can’t find the will to do anything but work, sleep, breathe. It’s been rough.
While I’m not at one hundred percent, I do feel like I can dip my toes back into the water again. I’ve been going back and forth with what pieces I want to move forward with and what has just gone cold for me. I may come back to Hell’s Gate, but for now working on this story isn’t something I can put my heart into.
I’m going to rant a little, I hope that is ok friends.
For tl;dr just scroll to bottom. *
I try not to get personal with people in most aspects of my life. Even personal life. People do not respond well to depression because it is awkward. I don’t think it’s something that others do on purpose, it’s that by nature others are non-confrontational. With social media people sort of get tired of hearing depressed people whine.
My next few paragraphs are going to piss people off but I feel like this needs to be said. These are my views and what I have witnessed.
I am so tired of reading posts from other people that go into all this personal crap online about how awful their life has been. Every other day is something else, you know the type─ the type that mentions how they wish their life growing up was like everyone else’s and how horrible their situation is and how they’ve been beaten, and grew up with an emotionally (sometimes physically abusive) father, mother, uncle, wtf ever. And they broadcast it all. the. time. Or something is always going wrong.
Speaking from deepest part of my heart, fuck right off. That’s right. I told you to fuck off. The world is tired of hearing your shit. You want to be taken seriously? Live your life. You got social media accounts you post on often? Make, I don’t know─ a fucking positive post from time to time? Stop airing your grievances on anyone and everyone that you can. Post depressing shit when you actually need help. When you really need others to pay attention because you are in a bad place.
We can only sympathize so much. At a certain point we all will start avoiding you and your pity party. And you know what you’ll do? Cry over no one listening to you and that you have no friends. No shit.
Which to get to my next point of frustration: people like you cause other people to not take depression seriously. Or worse, get annoyed by it and file depression under whiny baby.
The absolute worst part about these individuals? They aren’t what you would file into clinically depressed. They may believe themselves depressed but you know what they really are? Sociopaths. Many sociopaths will research on symptoms of depression, go to groups, fabricate lies even they start to believe. They twist everything to seem like it was way worse than it really was. They’re the type that read through symptoms and go, ‘oh my god, I was abused, holy shit I have an abusive spouse, damn, my work place is so toxic.’ No, Karen. YOU are toxic─ Not everyone else around you that existed and disagrees with you from time to time.
Go on any board or help group that involves suicide. Ask suicide helpline workers: Trauma boards, survivor groups, the list goes on. It’s not exclusive to suicide help. These people get off on attention. It’s called playing the victim and it is very real. While some of their symptoms can stem from past trauma and abuse, they use it as a crutch and excuse for everything in their life.
They don’t even realize that is what they are. So they will argue forever, making you feel bad for questioning what they are going through what they’ve been through. How could you, a normie, understand their life? It’s a shitty excuse for everything in their lives. Horrible to their current partner, spouse? They didn’t know any better, they were abused and hurt by so many people in the past so they don’t know ‘how’ to trust anyone anymore. These types especially tend to avoid any definitive answer you confront them over. They also tend to string people along emotionally and make others believe they are crazy for accusing them of doing things. (like cheating.)You start a sentence around them that involves your life? They turn it around to make themselves the center of attention.
Stay with me here, I know I am ranting but it’s not without purpose.
Am I a callous asshole toward the downtrodden? Hell no. I know what real depression looks like. I live it. Do people cope with depression in different ways? Uh. Yeah, I’m not a damn idiot that thinks people react the same fucking way. Are other people reluctant to believe that actual depression exists and don’t take others ailments seriously? Abso-fucking-lutely. Because we are creatures that connect physical injuries to take priority over non visible ones, it’s glossed over in people’s minds as something that isn’t really life threatening.
It’s based off on archaic belief system courtesy of post war attitudes from parents that saw a lot of hardships and didn’t have the luxury of focusing on what wasn’t life threatening. Depression existed, but it wasn’t recognized as something that couldn’t be fixed─ eventually, the person would snap out of it and get better. That generation truly believes that the people suffering can just pull themselves out of the shit they love to roll in and can get better.
Hey, you know what else? Getting to be out in the open about depression and your struggles and so on and so forth─ wonderful, please do that. I encourage you to. If you need help, please reach out because people in your life do care. I’m talking about you realizing that what you are doing is not working and you need help. I would love to help that person in my life.
I’m talking about emotional vampiric assholes. You, you alone can piss off. Grow up.
While I’m not saying everyone is quietly depressed, there just seems to be a strong correlation between the two. By quietly depressed, I mean people that have become experts at hiding all those thoughts, feelings, and actions. A lot of times, you would never know that they even are depressed. Because we don’t want to be seen as burdens. Even we think we are burdens. I choose not to dump things off on others because it’s not their problem how I feel.
Speaking for myself here─ I have gotten to a point that I can accept where I am at emotionally. Mommy issues over here, what what~
But that’s my point. I recognize what’s going on in my upstairs mix up. I realize that seclusion isn’t necessarily bad all the time, but can be if you do it a lot. Which I do, a lot. It is exhausting to exist, let alone have people there to complicate life.
Because of this, I have just about completely withdrawn from every form of social media and people. I have angered more than one person and even had someone unload on me because I hadn’t responded to messages and blocked many people online. I make no excuses, they are right. There is a method to that madness when you are depressed. By angering people, or becoming absent in their life it is easy for them to forget about you. It means if something happens to you, they won’t miss you. One less person in the world to upset. If you think about it from that perspective someone may get upset for a while, but they aren’t going to try forever.
I took a break from, well, everything. I just can’t bring myself to care recently. I have found little to no joy in living day-to-day and busy myself with cooking, gaming, painting, sewing, and writing quietly in the mornings. When I think about reaching out I find myself realizing that ain’t no one got time for my shit.
It’s the same about posting pictures of myself because I have to question why I would post pictures of myself. The obvious conclusion is that I would do that for attention and no other reason. I could air my own grievances (which I have on this blog) but also realize, who cares? Why? If you’re reading my blogs or stories, you’re either bored or occasionally enjoy them. Let’s be honest here, I am not a known author. Rationally, that includes the lack of fucks people give. I can’t push myself to ‘throw myself out there’ on social media and find it exceedingly annoying and stressful to do that.
I quite enjoy the idea of quietly writing my stories without the expectations of the trade. Posting on communities to receive feedback and improving my writing is one thing, but trying so hard to get noticed is just not something that sounds appealing to me. There is no money, only the joys of writing and entertaining others. 🙂 Making money be damned, fuck it─ I accept that there will be no money in what I do.
That’s enough for me.
I’ve been down, started writing again and will post more things soon.