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Depression, yo.

It’s been a while.

I’ve been at the lowest emotional point of my life the past several months. I can’t find the will to do anything but work, sleep, breathe. It’s been rough.

While I’m not at one hundred percent, I do feel like I can dip my toes back into the water again. I’ve been going back and forth with what pieces I want to move forward with and what has just gone cold for me. I may come back to Hell’s Gate, but for now working on this story isn’t something I can put my heart into.

I’m going to rant a little, I hope that is ok friends.

For tl;dr just scroll to bottom. *

I try not to get personal with people in most aspects of my life. Even personal life. People do not respond well to depression because it is awkward. I don’t think it’s something that others do on purpose, it’s that by nature others are non-confrontational. With social media people sort of get tired of hearing depressed people whine.

My next few paragraphs are going to piss people off but I feel like this needs to be said. These are my views and what I have witnessed.

I am so tired of reading posts from other people that go into all this personal crap online about how awful their life has been. Every other day is something else, you know the type─ the type that mentions how they wish their life growing up was like everyone else’s and how horrible their situation is and how they’ve been beaten, and grew up with an emotionally (sometimes physically abusive) father, mother, uncle, wtf ever. And they broadcast it all. the. time. Or something is always going wrong.

Speaking from deepest part of my heart, fuck right off. That’s right. I told you to fuck off. The world is tired of hearing your shit. You want to be taken seriously? Live your life. You got social media accounts you post on often? Make, I don’t know─ a fucking positive post from time to time? Stop airing your grievances on anyone and everyone that you can. Post depressing shit when you actually need help. When you really need others to pay attention because you are in a bad place.

We can only sympathize so much. At a certain point we all will start avoiding you and your pity party. And you know what you’ll do? Cry over no one listening to you and that you have no friends. No shit.

Which to get to my next point of frustration: people like you cause other people to not take depression seriously. Or worse, get annoyed by it and file depression under whiny baby.

The absolute worst part about these individuals? They aren’t what you would file into clinically depressed. They may believe themselves depressed but you know what they really are? Sociopaths. Many sociopaths will research on symptoms of depression, go to groups, fabricate lies even they start to believe. They twist everything to seem like it was way worse than it really was. They’re the type that read through symptoms and go, ‘oh my god, I was abused, holy shit I have an abusive spouse, damn, my work place is so toxic.’ No, Karen. YOU are toxic─ Not everyone else around you that existed and disagrees with you from time to time.

Go on any board or help group that involves suicide. Ask suicide helpline workers: Trauma boards, survivor groups, the list goes on. It’s not exclusive to suicide help. These people get off on attention. It’s called playing the victim and it is very real. While some of their symptoms can stem from past trauma and abuse, they use it as a crutch and excuse for everything in their life.

They don’t even realize that is what they are. So they will argue forever, making you feel bad for questioning what they are going through what they’ve been through. How could you, a normie, understand their life? It’s a shitty excuse for everything in their lives. Horrible to their current partner, spouse? They didn’t know any better, they were abused and hurt by so many people in the past so they don’t know ‘how’ to trust anyone anymore. These types especially tend to avoid any definitive answer you confront them over. They also tend to string people along emotionally and make others believe they are crazy for accusing them of doing things. (like cheating.)You start a sentence around them that involves your life? They turn it around to make themselves the center of attention.

Stay with me here, I know I am ranting but it’s not without purpose.

Am I a callous asshole toward the downtrodden? Hell no. I know what real depression looks like. I live it. Do people cope with depression in different ways? Uh. Yeah, I’m not a damn idiot that thinks people react the same fucking way. Are other people reluctant to believe that actual depression exists and don’t take others ailments seriously? Abso-fucking-lutely. Because we are creatures that connect physical injuries to take priority over non visible ones, it’s glossed over in people’s minds as something that isn’t really life threatening.

It’s based off on archaic belief system courtesy of post war attitudes from parents that saw a lot of hardships and didn’t have the luxury of focusing on what wasn’t life threatening. Depression existed, but it wasn’t recognized as something that couldn’t be fixed─ eventually, the person would snap out of it and get better. That generation truly believes that the people suffering can just pull themselves out of the shit they love to roll in and can get better.

Hey, you know what else? Getting to be out in the open about depression and your struggles and so on and so forth─ wonderful, please do that. I encourage you to. If you need help, please reach out because people in your life do care. I’m talking about you realizing that what you are doing is not working and you need help. I would love to help that person in my life.

I’m talking about emotional vampiric assholes. You, you alone can piss off. Grow up.

While I’m not saying everyone is quietly depressed, there just seems to be a strong correlation between the two. By quietly depressed, I mean people that have become experts at hiding all those thoughts, feelings, and actions. A lot of times, you would never know that they even are depressed. Because we don’t want to be seen as burdens. Even we think we are burdens. I choose not to dump things off on others because it’s not their problem how I feel.

Speaking for myself here─ I have gotten to a point that I can accept where I am at emotionally. Mommy issues over here, what what~

But that’s my point. I recognize what’s going on in my upstairs mix up. I realize that seclusion isn’t necessarily bad all the time, but can be if you do it a lot. Which I do, a lot. It is exhausting to exist, let alone have people there to complicate life.

Because of this, I have just about completely withdrawn from every form of social media and people. I have angered more than one person and even had someone unload on me because I hadn’t responded to messages and blocked many people online. I make no excuses, they are right. There is a method to that madness when you are depressed. By angering people, or becoming absent in their life it is easy for them to forget about you. It means if something happens to you, they won’t miss you. One less person in the world to upset. If you think about it from that perspective someone may get upset for a while, but they aren’t going to try forever.

I took a break from, well, everything. I just can’t bring myself to care recently. I have found little to no joy in living day-to-day and busy myself with cooking, gaming, painting, sewing, and writing quietly in the mornings. When I think about reaching out I find myself realizing that ain’t no one got time for my shit.

It’s the same about posting pictures of myself because I have to question why I would post pictures of myself. The obvious conclusion is that I would do that for attention and no other reason. I could air my own grievances (which I have on this blog) but also realize, who cares? Why? If you’re reading my blogs or stories, you’re either bored or occasionally enjoy them. Let’s be honest here, I am not a known author. Rationally, that includes the lack of fucks people give. I can’t push myself to ‘throw myself out there’ on social media and find it exceedingly annoying and stressful to do that.

I quite enjoy the idea of quietly writing my stories without the expectations of the trade. Posting on communities to receive feedback and improving my writing is one thing, but trying so hard to get noticed is just not something that sounds appealing to me. There is no money, only the joys of writing and entertaining others. 🙂 Making money be damned, fuck it─ I accept that there will be no money in what I do.

That’s enough for me.

**tl;dr

I’ve been down, started writing again and will post more things soon.

Many hugs, thanks for listening to my bitch-fest.

model, cara delevingne, and kiss image
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Merry Christmas – Happy Holidays!

It’s that time of year, the one that makes you reflect over the past eleven months and wonder: How did I gain another ten pounds after eating so poorly for the past two months? smh, we’ll never know.

But what I do know is that it’s a mixed bag time of year for me. One that I usually find myself contemplating over the good and the bad. I feel somewhat accomplished in my writing endeavors, having completed a few short stories and almost finished with my next novel. If you’d like to check out my work, you can read it here. 

I’ll be slowly updating them on here too with links to the other parts. If you really are enjoying my work and would like to support me, you can here. I post my work free because I’ve always been torn over charging others over it since it really is a joy of mine.

One thing I am ripped up about is I didn’t get to send my work off to a publisher this year like I’d hoped, but my goal is to do that this coming year. There’s always this still-small voice in the back of my mind that says, “you’ll never be good enough.” She won this year, unfortunately. The depression was real this year you guys.

Not because of the fact that I don’t love every moment of my life and cherish those in it, but because I shut down. To add to that, I work something like 70 hours a week and creativity can be stretched thin when you get home at 6:30 and have to go to bed at 8 to wake up at 4. I got down because I need to do this in order to survive, but my heart has always been with writing and creating. I love sitting in front of a blank canvas, or a blank google doc and just─ going to town.

I know every artist/writer out there wants to do this, but I think it really is the most important thing to us. We thrive off of expressing that creative energy, it moves us. My guilt, and downfall, has always been being timid about asking people for things. Namely, money. And I wonder if every artist struggles with this very thing.

I think: “Ok, you are going to start promoting your work and stop offering it for free.”

Then, the evil half that takes up like 80% of my brain goes, “bitch, look at these other writers and artist out there, you ain’t shit.”

Then, it happens.

I agree with her and just keep throwing it up for free. I need to get to a place emotionally where I can view my work as worthy. And see, this is where I struggle.

Those of you that read my blogs know that I come from a past that is not exactly Disney movie friendly. I find myself pushing everyone away, yet feel sad that there is no one in my life. Depression does this to you. It makes you think, “I don’t need anyone in my life, and I don’t want to be in theirs” and then later you think, “I’m so alone and need someone, why doesn’t anyone care?”

Idk, maybe because you sit on your ass eating cheetos and ignore the 9,856,420 text messages at people’s attempt to get you to hang out with them? Then eventually they stop caring because it seems like you don’t.

It’s an odd mixture of being eternally hopeful, and completely hopeless. 

It’s exhausting and annoying, even to you.

So for all my fellow sufferers out there, I just want to say that you are not alone. My Christmas will be quaint and quiet, but I’m going to force myself to have a good one this year and focus on the positives. Hopefully you will too.

 

Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays and love yourselves. ❤

Grey

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Tuesday Musings – Anxiety in Men and Women and How they Differ

stress

 

Before we begin, let’s just all take a breath. A deep one.

Ok, we ready?

Anxiety sucks. For anyone that has ever experienced it knows─ it is the worst.

From panic attacks to full-blown panic disorders many people in the U.S. (and in the West in general) suffer from this. It affects their daily life, and their long-term life.

It’s so prevalent in our society that many people affected by it are shown to take more time off of work, are far less social, and are less likely to finish school. Think about how that impacts their quality of life. 

Could you imagine waking up, your heart pounding for no reason as you lay in bed? Everything feels off. I mean, really off. Like at any moment, the world would explode around you and you just want to run away. But, you can’t. You are stuck in your own skin, feeling this miserably-awful gut-wrenching fear and that you are not ok.

Your skin is clammy, your fingertips like ice.

Your chest is tight and your heart just won’t stop beating like you’ve run a marathon, both ways, uphill in the snow.

It gets better. Many people that have crippling anxiety also win the genetic lottery with depression. Oh yeah, this girl right here knows.

Party at Grey’s place, wut wut

While mine stems from my childhood and early adulthood trauma (yay PTSD) many more are affected by this in some form or fashion. Women are two to three times more likely to suffer from anxiety than men. Why is this, I’ve wondered?

Well, there is some debate to this but many people believe it is due to girls and women experiencing trauma earlier in life. That, or if it is possible that it is inherently increased in women.

Oh great, thanks ancestors.

Another fun thing our brain tends to do is process serotonin release slower than our male counterparts. 

While we all laugh it up and drown our sorrows in wine and other recreational drugs

Molly-Percocet

Let’s be real.

Women tend to ruminate and medicate to cope while dudes get physical. Curiously enough, men also have the positive side of their brain light up when they are under pressure. Damn, I wish my brain got overloaded with serotonin and cortisol.

Ladies, we can learn from this. One of the biggest challenges I faced when going through treatment was to shut that shit down. My brain tends to do this thing where it loops all the bad things on repeat.

Oh, you don’t like that? It used to taunt.

Let’s turn this shit up to you crying in the shower for thirty minutes to end your day.

Yeah. My life was hell for the better part of fifteen years emotionally. I still get bouts of it, but I’ve learned a super secret technique I’m going to share with you:

It’s called keeping yourself busy, mentally and physically.

Get real physical guuurl. Because thinking is the devil.

No, not in an unhealthy way. Clearly if you have issues that you need to go talk to a professional about do that along with this. However, several studies have shown that as Westerners, we have way too much idle time and we also suffer from more anxiety and depression than those in other countries. I think if I had to work my fingers to the bone every day, I’d probably collapse in bed in a heap of exhaustion and not have time to focus on all my mental hang-ups.

Except─ hold on, I have.

This year, I quit my full-time job to help run a company. On top of all that, I write and stream. I started noticing something I never had happen before. My anxiety was easing because I felt like I had purpose─ which gave me drive. Something I haven’t experienced in a long time. My depression and anxiety have always centered around feeling worthless and that I didn’t feel accomplished at the end of the day.

It was something I always lacked because I had the same facts drilled in my head every day of my childhood:

you aren’t good enough, you never will be, you’re useless, you’re pathetic. 

It all goes on.

So, while our hormones react differently (and different centers of our brain light up during stress and anxiety) there are a few similarities between men and women with anxiety.

The major one that a lot of people report is the feeling of impending doom (yay flight center of the brain!) shortness of breath, tight chest, and the feeling of discomfort in their own skin.

Unfortunately, having estrogen and progesterone kind of plays havoc on our brain-place. Ugh, as if women needed more added stress to their lives.

Don’t fear, ladies─ there is hope! With a healthy dose of physical activity, cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), and daily mindfulness and rest, you can combat the daily demons.

Numerous studies have shown that taking as little as two minutes up to twice a day of breathing exercises and mindfulness of stressors/triggers(TRIGGERED) you can lower your stress (and blood pressure) to a healthy level.

I use the breathing app in fitbit. Some people love Calm

There are many others, but I’ve heard good things about these. I know they help keep me stay on track, just like having a regular daily routine and lots of sleep. (but damn, sleep is important.)

I think we can all take a little time to appreciate the importance of ourselves, and others and value what we have to offer each other. I tip my hat to the guys on this one, so far it’s worked for me and maybe it can work for you too.

But hey, just my thoughts on a Tuesday.

Take care everyone and feel free to discuss below. I’m more than happy to share my own battles and victories with anxiety and depression.

Love yourselves,

❤ Grey