The service was every bit as horrible as I imagined it would be. Most of the office was there, including the office downstairs. Apparently Zedd was the sort to really reach out to others. At the luncheon people traded stories about just how much of his time and money he devoted to those in need. It must have killed him, knowing what he did and not being able to save anyone else. Which further solidifies the fact that he must have said something to his family. I just need to find them. They would definitely be able to shed some light on things. I crossed the room, locating Devon near the back by the kitchen. I couldn’t get over how huge this place was. Imagine if you could the biggest house you’ve ever seen and then double it. I wasn’t even aware they made houses in wal-mart size. I approached him slowly, not wanting to scare him. He was deep in thought, bringing a glass of water to his mouth and staring through the large bay windows. He turned when he heard the clicks of my heels against the tiles and his lips curled into a smile. There was more to that smile. It was the sort that you gave your friends or family when they asked what was wrong.
I have the strongest urge to wrap him in a hug. I find myself more and more curious of how he would feel. How he would smell. I’ve never been in a relationship and quite honestly, haven’t thought about it. I had always busied myself with school, or art. After seeing what it often did to others and how much it detracted from people’s lives, I had zero interest. But this man, he wasn’t like the other guys. There wasn’t even a hint of ulterior motive, he felt genuine and kind. There were a few people in college that had shown interest in me but I had always shut them down. Not in a mean way, just stated that I did not want anything to do with a relationship. With anyone. A few of them had said that I could tell them the truth, one even asked me if I was a lesbian. Apparently, they talked among themselves and came to the conclusion that since I was not interested in any male partners, I must have liked women. The truth was, I had very little sex drive. It wasn’t something I thought about. I would get urges from time to time but never enough to seek out a partner. It would make my skin crawl thinking about someone else placing their hands on me. The touching aspect was awful enough, sex mortified me. I had gotten curious and watched porn a few times. The women never seemed to enjoy what was happening. All I could focus on were their faces, there was something about their eyes─ sadness or a longing for love. I cringed at the way men fondled them or shoved things into places─ there were no limits to where they did. I rubbed my arms and hugged them to my chest. Would he want to do those things to me? I frown.
Even if he was interested, I really got the sense that he would keep it to himself and not allow it to cloud his judgement. For the first time I found myself liking someone. It’s as alien a thought as everything else I’m doing so I’m not sure why it’s making me uncomfortable.
“Hey Kate,” Devon says softly.
“Hey,” I respond. We sit in comfortable silence for a moment. “I was wondering,” I begin, “If I could maybe talk with Zedd’s family. You know, since I was the last to see him.” His face falls a bit, it’s the first time I can see some real emotion reflected there. He shakes his head, “I’m afraid that’s impossible.” I’m taken back but ask, “what do you mean?” He glances over at the people in the living room and then inches closer to me. He smells like soap, clean and nice. “Zedd lived his life in the system until he was eighteen. As far as either of us knew, he didn’t know where he came from.” My heart sped up as he leaned in inches from my ear. “He had a few clues here and there about his mom but nothing solid. Our family sort of took him in on holidays and events.” At this point, my heart was beating so hard against my chest that I was sure he could hear it. Then he does something unexpected and takes a step back. My shoulders relax and my heart rate slowly subsides. After a few moments, I’m back to normal.
We’re again in our comfort zones and both of us realize this. It was incredibly refreshing, not needing to strike up any sort of conversation and when we did, it felt natural. I turn toward him, “I’ve been meaning to ask, did Zedd” I pause a few beats searching for what to say, “say anything odd to you?” His eyes meet mine. It’s the sort of look that strips you bare. “Like what?” he whispers. Those eyes. Those damn eyes. I’m left speechless. My throat dries and my chest is growing tight with anxiety. Devon is honing in on my every reaction, trailing from my eyes to my mouth. “You’ve been hiding something from me,” he says, “I can tell. From your first day in the office until now.” My gut reaction is to run. I want to get away as far as possible from him, from all this. But, I needed answers. Maybe Zedd had mentioned something to Devon that I wasn’t aware of. I stamp down my fears and take a deep breath. “I have been, but please trust me when I say that I have my reasons.” He raises his eyebrows at me, “If it has to do with Zedd I want to know every single detail,” his voice cracks and he emphasizes the last few words. “You may have your reasons, but I can promise you that you’ll get no judgment from me. Just be honest.” He sighs, takes a few breaths and continues, “please.” I look at the floor, unable to look at his eyes. I manage a small nod.
“Hey, Devon?” We both look up at the interruption. One of the guys from our meeting is standing in the entry. He looks awkwardly at me and Devon, aware that he probably walked in at the wrong time. “Sorry to interrupt, I uh, think it’s time for your speech and words from friends and family.” “No, no Jason that’s fine,” Devon says, “Sorry, I didn’t realize it was that time already. I’ll be right there.” Jason nods then walks out leaving us both back to where we were before.
“Will you talk to me about this later?” he asks, not bothering to let me finish my sentence, “Let me take you out for dinner, somewhere public where you’ll feel safe. Is that OK? I can even meet you there if you would rather travel alone.” I bite my lip, my brow creasing, “alright,” I say after a few moments, “I can do that.” His eyes press together, his face washed in relief, “thank you so much Kate. Just let me know where and what time.” I bob my head and scurry out of the kitchen. I can’t believe my luck, but I can get through this. I shouldn’t care about what Devon thinks of me if it means that I could possibly save him too. I would need a way to explain all of this and I can’t for the life of me figure out how to convey it.
He can’t see the letters, he will dismiss a government conspiracy, but somehow I cling to some ill thought-out hope he will listen. I pray Zedd has shared this with him so that maybe if I mention some of the same things, he’ll trust what we are saying. I mean, Zedd believed it so much he ended his life. Surely it will count for something. God, I hope so.
We arrived back at the office around two o’clock, still enough time for me to get a little work done and take my mind off of things. I was worried that Devon would call me into his office again, but he never came back. In a way, it was a huge relief. Not that I didn’t enjoy his company, but given his relentless nature he would give me a nervous breakdown. Jason had walked up to me earlier and explained that he would be taking over Zedd’s duties until a new manager was in place. We went over a few sketches and then what Zedd had asked of me. Jason was quiet, like me, so after we talked business, he was gone. Thank goodness for small miracles.
I looked at the 2-D model and then import it into the 3-D program. I poured myself into the curves, into every single detail. It felt so good to be back into a routine I worked until my fingers ached and my back screamed in protest. At some point I had crossed my legs up on the chair and had lost all feeling in them. I stood and stretched, content with my workload for the day. Most of the office had left a few hours ago. I had spotted a few guys in the back messing around in the motion capture but they were pretty much it. I eyed my phone warily but decided it was for the best to get this meeting over and done. I sniffed my pits and further decided that a shower would be a good idea. Apparently stewing in my own soup had done some not very pleasant things to my clothes.
I grabbed my wallet, phone, and keys then turned toward the elevator. I was mid stride when the lights went out. It stopped me dead in my tracks. I had been so busy with everything else today that my mind hadn’t had a chance to catch up with the other terrible things I’d been through. I held my breath, waiting for the creatures to make themselves known. There was a yell in the back and I exhaled. The guys were still here. OK, maybe it was just the building that had timed lights. I was practically running to the elevator at this point. No way in hell was I going to give those things a chance to make me feel that way again. Those assholes thrived off of it and I’m not about to give them an evening snack.
I yelped as a noise blared from my hand. “Jesus christ,” I swore, flipping my screen around. It was Devon. Shit. He probably thinks I’m going to bail on him. I glanced at the time, it was nearly seven. I answered on the fourth ring.
“Hey, Devon I’m so sorry I was up at the office and I lost track of time working on this character.”
His voice came out awful, it sounded like he had been crying, “Oh, that’s OK. I just wanted to check with you and see if you wanted me to pick you up or if you wanted to meet somewhere.” He sniffed a few times, clearing his throat. The guys emerged from the back, shoving each other as they walked toward the elevator, “hey Kate” one of them said. I nodded and waved as they shuffled on. “You coming down?” I shake my head mouthing, “no you go ahead, thanks.” He mouths “OK” and in seconds they’re gone. Leaving me to the quiet, dark office and Devon. “Uh, yeah you can pick me up from my place if you want. Just, you know, give me a chance to get the day washed off.”
“OK, great. Just decide what you want, anything is fine, my treat.” Please don’t make me decide, I plead silently. “Oh, whatever is fine by me,” I offer quickly. He pauses on the line, “how about sushi or Thai?” I bite my lip, noodles sounded pretty great right now. Something warm, comforting, and starchy. “Thai sounds great,” I say. “Alright, I’ll pick you up about eight?” “That works,” I reply. We say our goodbyes and hang up. I frown at the slow moving elevator and press the down arrow button. Why did we have to be on such a high floor? I see that they finally make it to the bottom, silently willing it to go faster. A computer restarts in the back and I hear the beep as it resets. The room groans and pops as the wind hits the side of the building. Every click, every pop is amplified by the insufferable quiet.
Come on, I urge silently, just six more floors.
The computer does a start up jingle in the background. I refuse to turn around. “Not today, satan” I mutter.
The ding goes off as it reaches the fifteenth floor and I squeeze my eyes shut and sigh. Finally, it’s here. The door swooshes and I opened my eyes. I stare for several seconds, the color draining from my face. I don’t want to believe what I’m seeing. My hand goes up to my face and I freeze. No, no, no, is all that runs through my mind. I take a few steps back trying to distance myself from the horrific image. Jesus, there’s so much blood. I close my eyes, take a breath, and then open them. He’s still there and so is the pulpy mass.
The glassy stare of his lifeless eyes look at me accusingly. The back of his head is missing, there’s blood and brain matter everywhere and the gun lays on the floor next to his limp hand. This isn’t real, it can’t be because we buried him this afternoon. I frantically searched the room, trying to remember where the emergency stairs are located. I scream as his body jumps and twitches in a seizure-like motion. His head jerks toward my scream I can hear his bones from further back in the room. They snap in protest as he pulls himself from the floor. A few clumps of brain matter splat to the floor. Oh god. I retch several times, trying but failing to reassure myself it isn’t real. He limps toward me as a gurgling sound escapes his lips. I bolt to the left and pump my legs as fast as they will take me toward the back of the office. I don’t know where the staircase is but I don’t care. I wasn’t about to sit there and let him get near me, I knew it had to be back here somewhere. I flee past several dark offices, glancing behind me every so often. There was no sign of him. I’m all the way at the end of the u-shaped hall when I realize my terrible mistake. If I had just ran to the right I would have been right by them.
I charge around the corner and scream as I run into something solid and fleshy. I lash out, shoving hard and screaming. “Whoa, whoa, Kate,” Devon yells. My head throbs from the adrenaline as my heart comes back down from near cardiac arrest. My legs give out and I fall forward on my hands and knees.