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The Fat Man – A Christmas Poem (funny)

So for those of you that follow my Twitter, you saw my Christmas tradition of ‘Battle with the Fatman’ I do every year. The tradition continues with this year’s shenanigans. For those of you that missed it, here it is:

Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house,

I was waiting alone for him to come out.

The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,

I’d lined them with noise makers to know when he’s there.

The family was nestled all snug in their beds,

Unaware of the battle that was ahead.

 

 

My dog Ketti laid in my lap, And had just settled in for an evening nap.

When out on the lawn there rose such a sound she leaped from my lap and barked very loud.

Away to the window I rushed to see,

If the fat man had finally gotten to me.

The moon shone brightly on the new fallen snow,

As I waited impatiently for him below.

 

When what to my eager eyes did appear,

but the fat man himself and nine tiny reindeer.

Faster than a bullets through the sky they flew,

And he yelled and snarled his commands to his crew.

On,dasher! On, dancer! On, prancer! and Vixen.

On, comet! On, cupid! On, Donner and Blitzen!

Rudolph guide us to that home, travel fast,

For this night we’re going to kick major ass.

So up on the house top the reindeer did fly,

& I reached under the couch & gripped my .45.

 

To my utmost dread I heard on the roof,

the scraping & pawing of each little hoof.

As I tucked in my elbows & was turning around,

Down the chimney ‘Saint’ Nicholas came with a bound.

 

He was dressed in armor from his head to his foot,

and his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot.

A bundle of guns he had flung on his back,

and he looked like Clint Eastwood but…really fat.

His eyes how they squinted,

His voice, how it scratched!

And he sized me up as he struck a match.

He lit the cigar that hung from his grin,

And he gave a hearty laugh whispering, “what trouble you’re in. ”

 

He reached behind him & drew weapons with a jerk,

And said not a word as he got straight to work.

The first shot fired mere inches from my head,

And I rolled to the ground thankful to not be dead.

I took a second to gather my wits,

When the couch in front of me was blasted to bits.

 

Quicker than lightening I aimed for his face,

but the asshole had teleported to another place.

Ketti stayed hidden as the battle waged on,

the coward, no doubt, was probably long gone.

My family was clueless, or they’re fraidy cats too,

but I won’t let that stop me from killing his crew.

If I can’t take him out with any of my moves,

then I’ll aim my next shot up toward…The roof.

 

With a massive grin as the fat man gained ground,

I squeezed the trigger and he froze at the sound.

His head shot up and his body went slack,

then I lowered my weapon, aiming at his back.

This was my chance, I must make it work,

it was time that he learned to stop being a jerk.

He’d terrorized this town for the last damn time,

and my finger found the trigger as the clock began to chime.

 

The blast was deafening, but my grin stayed fixed,

I’d finally got him that jolly little bitch.

But as the smoke cleared, my grin faded away,

the bastard had managed an impossible escape.

I roared at the magical lights that filled the room,

And swear to the nine hells that I’ll get him, soon.

This year managed to be a bust,

but next year, yes, next time he will be crushed.

 

You can follow my mini-campaigns weekly on Twitter as well for more awesome adventures. ❤ Greysanta

 

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You can find all of my work on Royal Road now

If you’ve wondered what I’m about, I’m not just a blogger─ I write novels, novellas, and short stories. (when we aren’t adventuring with our stories on Twitter.)When I have time, I record podcasts and audiobooks for all of you as well. Occasionally, I will post my work on here for you to read but I thought it a good idea to post where you can find all of my work!

I’m aiming to become published, (so that I can write and do podcasting for a living) but until I become one of the lucky few to do that, I like to share it with others. It gives me real joy and excitement to create these worlds for all of you.

If you would like to see what I’m about, you can find all of my written work here. 

I don’t have all of my work up, but I am working toward getting it ALL slowly uploaded (I have to sort through tons of stuff) but I should have it all up in the next month.

If you’re familiar with my work and you’d love to support it, this is a great site to do it through, or through my Patreon page.

For anyone and everyone that takes time out of their day to read my stories and check out my work, thank you.

Have a wonderful Tuesday

❤ Grey

Obligatory Update Post

So I thought I would do one of those update posts. I haven’t done one in a while and wanted to share a little of my life.  (warning, long boring text)

I started a new job around 3 months ago that has been really time intensive. I had a few concerned messages about me still doing my videos for you guys and podcasting.

No worries, you guys. I had to have an adjusting period to get my head straight and not come home dead exhausted. I am definitely going to keep doing those. I mentioned that I will be sending my work off to a publisher, I will be doing that in 3 weeks and will hopefully know something within 6 months. (publishers take quite some time to respond, as you can imagine!)

One of the things I struggle with is being able to stick with one thing and going with it. Especially being horribly ADHD and for a while, unmedicated. I also was diagnosed with something I’m not comfortable sharing on social media, but it is genetic, so thanks, mom 

I had the last few months to really turn my attention to what it is I wanted to do. I have been focused on doing too much at once, versus focusing on what it is I enjoy. I enjoy storytelling, I enjoy drawing. So, that is what I should do. Everything else should fall to the wayside as a hobby. 

In short, I’m here and not going anywhere – Just had to get there mentally. 

I heart you all! ~♥


Grey ❤

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Patreon Perks, Updates, and Company Building

Hello all! We are already in March (holy hell!) And I am working toward finishing the last part of Vengeance (my latest audiobook) You can find the others here.

My past audiobooks are completely free so that all of you can sample my work. However, starting this year I’m going to have to start charging for them as each piece can take upwards of 8-24 hours to make, depending on the sound effects. I wish I could keep releasing them for free, but something has got to give! I’m about to start a section in my Patreon specifically for audiobooks.

I’ll be posting all my podcasts for free as per usual and this next episode we took a vote and decided that my When East Meets West podcast would cover Japanese vs. American horror films. As most of you know, I have a real affinity for the dark side. You’ll find it in all of my writing.  Spring is in the air, which means I love to talk about the supernatural. hehe :3

Podcasts on YouTube

Podcasts on Soundcloud

Hell’s Gate is currently under revision and will have it all released together this year along with an art book. You can get the Kindle edition for free if you have Kindle unlimited. The first book (book 1) that I linked is 100% edited and done. Book 2 needs professional edits as I later discovered. Since I have a day job that I am currently only working part-time, I would like to finish this earlier than later so that I may continue to get more work out to all of you.

If you like my style and want more even if it’s just a dollar a month it helps! And, you’ll get it before anyone else. 

I just recently opened up a story that will be included with Hell’s Gate and it’s a companion to the Hell’s Gate Series. The story of the Weaver and the Cowherd. You can see samples of it on my Patreon here. 

Big things coming this year, as I further develop the company. Including our stream mini-series work (details to come later after we plan it all out) and of course more audiobooks, podcasts, and novels.

I’m only one person, and soon there will be more helpers but for now, it’s all me. That’s where all of you come in to help me in a big way.

With these funds, I can provide more content and have to do less of the backend work myself. For example, I currently do all of the social media, graphic design, illustration, marketing, on top of all of the content and writing/directing.

I don’t mind the work, but it is seriously dragging down my release dates. Thankfully, I am employing a few people this year that can help and getting our business proposal underway. I would love to finish out both Hell’s Gate and get my Sci-Fi novel released this year as well.

I don’t often like to post this because it seems like everyone is doing this that is an artist. With good reason, but it can get a little overwhelming for people to decide who to support. That’s why I offer so much of my work for free so that you can get a feel for my style, and hear the quality for yourself.

All that being said, thank you for taking the time to read this and hear me out. Any and all support goes directly to me and building my stories, illustrations, and writing to all of you. Thank you to all of my fellow supporters, artists, and a big hug to all the other struggling artists out there.

Take care and happy St. Patrick’s Day to all of you.