I’m not sure what wayward deity, or all of the Fates I managed to piss off, but I know one thing for sure. This has been a poop year. Not a mildly frustrating, not bad, but damn dude you flipping pissed off every god in existence and they’re coming for blood.
Picture this: You see that puppy? Bobo? We’ll call him Bobo. Why? Because I’m too lazy to actually look up every image I find online. Imagine little Bobes here─ cute, free, and happy frolicking in blissful ignorance at all the cute things that seem to bring him joy and happiness.
He doesn’t need much, just a ‘good boy’ every now and then, some food and water, and to feel safe.
Well, folks, I’m Bobo. I don’t need much, I don’t like overly complex situations and especially where my love life is concerned. I like it simple and things to be happy.
Every now and then I bark, I may even bite, but I get over it quickly. Well, last year was a shit-storm of my own doing. I managed to stay involved with someone that was very bad for me. Cue the sob story and tiny violin, and many craptastic months later, we are no longer engaged.
Oh! But my kind heart, it knows no bounds. It’s masochistic tendencies can put some monks across the world to shame. I called him once a week, even after I was moved out. He’d always answer with the same response, ‘I just don’t know how I feel and that I might never get those feelings back.’ The whole time seeing me and someone else. Later that week, I found out what I suspected. It had been more like the last 4 months of us engaged.
1 month later, I existed. Minus a fiance, a car, and barely a place to stay─ along with what I was sure were very confused neighbors as I practiced Krav at all hours of the night─ I knew money would be tight, but I convinced myself that all would be ok.
Optimisim!
Like all things after 4 months went by, I finally was able to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I was doing great at my new job, got promoted to a lead position and was doing training presentations every week. I found great joy and took pride in teaching others.
And then, it happened.
We all get called into the office in May. Our entire department (at giant tech company with four main colors in their logo that’s square shaped – a wink, wink) decided to end our contract and make it impossible to switch to another department due to our ‘skillset’ and changing rules about tech support not getting to switch over as fast track engineers.
We had a choice, move to Manila in the Philippines, or lose our job.
I have a daughter. This was not an option.
So, I lucked out given that our team was allowed 6 weeks to find new work. Oh and bright eyed and bushy tailed, I started. Over one hundred applications a week, calling, re-calling, sending follow-up emails, asking why I was not chosen for candidacy, phone interview after phone interview, and hiring someone to fix my resume to make it look more appealing.
Finally, two months later, (and probably some very frustrated HR staff) I land a job through a staffing agency.It’s amazing! I’m excited. I was making more, getting to be in a Junior Marketing position, and great benefits. I was warned that it was just a trial period, but I poured my heart into that job. I’m doing to work of 2 people, like someone fresh out of college.
Until─ my meds were out.
I have asperger (now called high functioning autism) in combination with depression and ADHD. Often, these all coincide with each other.( Just ask the community on that.) I was nervous, only having been employed for a month and didn’t want to lose my job.
Remember Bobo?
Cute, sweet, naive Bobo.
Yep, that’s me. I wanted to be honest with my employer!
So, what did I do? I explained that I would seem a little out of focus and become anxious until my insurance kicked in at the end of the month.
My new boss went from kind and understanding, to apprehensive and quiet. She stopped assigning work to me, kept to herself, and called me into her office. She had just returned from a business trip and explained that someone had caught me doing personal work during work hours. Which wasn’t in the least bit true. I was working on a novel during my lunch hour.
I. Was. Mortified.
I went into a mode that normal people can’t really relate to. I call it aspie rage. Not directed at others, but at yourself. It’s vicious, it’s painful, and you are extremely hard on yourself. The worst part is, you shut down emotionally─ feeling as if the world hates you, and you hate yourself, because they think poorly of you.
I got so distraught, that the next day I woke up very sick. So sick, I couldn’t get out of bed. I had to make a choice, go in like that and possibly chance that it was a virus and get others sick─ or to stay home and rest.
I chose to stay home. I needed it. It was the wrong choice.
The next day, I lost my job.
My now boyfriend, had barely been seeing me for four months at this point. He had allowed me to move in with him when I lost my apartment in July.
Let me rephrase that─
I didn’t just lose my apartment, I lost everything. No job, no place to stay, no work in sight. I was looking at living from out of my car and my gym membership until I found steady work.
When I got that call, I felt like the biggest screw up in the history of ever. He had been paying my bills, and I returned the favor by losing my job. I beat myself up mentally for a while before finally he told me that it was OK, and not to worry about it.
How I wish my brain worked that easily. Just, ‘alright, we’re going to stop calling ourselves a waste of space now!’ It’s taken years to get as well as I have at not doing that. And still, I know I have room to grow.
Stay tuned for part two, kiddos!
–C
C.A. Greyson 